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'The
guilt will never leave us,' say Madeleine's parents
25 May
2007
• Losing
Madeleine has been 'worse than your worst nightmare ... the
darkest, deepest despair'
• 'We
were naive ... The panic set in pretty much immediately'
• No
plans to return to the UK without Madeleine
• Baby
sister Amelie says: 'Madeleine's on trip, back soon'
They said
the guilt would never leave them.
They told
us it was worse than anyone's worst nightmare.
In a
series of deeply moving interviews, Kate and Gerry McCann
have spoken for the first time in detail about the loss of
their "pretty special" little girl, and of the darkness that
almost overwhelmed them in the days after Madeleine
disappeared.
At the
same time Portuguese police issued a detailed description of
the man they believe may have taken the four-year-old. He
was apparently seen, possibly carrying a child, near the
holiday apartment in Praia da Luz from which Madeleine was
taken 23 days ago.
'We want
Madeleine back, and people can still influence that': Kate
and Gerry McCann give their first interview
'We want
Madeleine back, and people can still influence that': Kate
and Gerry McCann give their first interview
In their
interviews, the McCanns gave a searingly candid account of
the night they left their children asleep in an Algarve
holiday complex apartment while they dined with friends in
the grounds - then described "the deepest, darkest despair"
when they realised she had vanished.
But the
couple made it clear they had always believed she was still
alive - and that one day their image of her running through
a door towards them would come true. "If anything really bad
had happened, we would have found her by now," Mr McCann
said.
For the
first time since that night of May 3, they answered
criticism about leaving Madeleine and her brother and sister
alone, and revealed the hurt and guilt that followed.
In an
apartment just yards away from the scene, Mr McCann told us:
"I think it's fair to say that the guilt that we feel having
not been there at that moment, irrespective of whether we
had been in the next bedroom or not, will never leave us."
His wife
revealed that she "tortured" herself in the first few days
after Madeleine vanished, and was tormented by the thought
that whoever took her might also have snatched their
two-year-old twins as well. The story they told chronicled
how a happy family break turned suddenly to horror.
The
"idyllic" holiday
Mrs
McCann described how they arrived in Praia da Luz with a
group of friends and their children. "It was a great week.
We were having a great holiday, lots of fun. The children
had a really great time."
This may
be the last photo of Madeleine ever taken - laughing by the
poolside with her daddy and sister, just hours before the
nightmare of her abduction began
This may
be the last photo of Madeleine ever taken - laughing by the
poolside with her daddy and sister, just hours before the
nightmare of her abduction began
Her
husband said the break was "so relaxing and idyllic. It was
as as good a holiday as we've had with the children, up
until that point."
Madeleine
was having fun with her twin brother and sister, Sean and
Amelie.
"She is
very funny and often a little ringleader in nursery and with
her friends," said Mr McCann. "She was running around
shouting, 'Be a monster, be a monster' and we would chase
her."
That
fateful night
The
couple told how they had made arrangements with other
families to check regularly on their children on the night
of May 3 while dining a short distance away in a tapas bar
in the grounds of the holiday complex.
Mr McCann
said: "We've been assured by thousands of people who've
either done exactly the same or say they would have done the
same. It wasn't very much different to having dinner in your
garden."
Although
there was a creche at the holiday complex, he said, "we use
a routine at home and it works very well for us. The key is
that the kids are asleep by 7.30 every night. As we had
arranged to dine so close we felt that it would have really
disturbed the kids dropping them off at a creche at a time
they were sound asleep and then bringing them back. That was
the reason why we didn't use that."
The
strength and dignity of Madeleine's parents throughout their
ordeal has earned them the respect of many
The
strength and dignity of Madeleine's parents throughout their
ordeal has earned them the respect of many
"For us
it was like dining in your garden. Admittedly at the bottom
of your garden, but you could see the flat and we were
checking so regularly. Not for one minute would anyone have
thought that someone would abduct your child."
Finding
her gone
Mrs
McCann said: "It was during one of my checks that I
discovered she had gone. I can't really go into any details
about that. I'm sure any parent will realise how that felt."
Asked if panic set in immediately, she said in a whisper:
"Yeah, very much."
She
revealed that she immediately feared the worst - never
thinking that her daughter might simply have woken up and
wandered off.
Her
husband added: "We were absolutely certain. But before we
raised the alarm we double and treble checked - but we
certainly had no doubt in our minds that she'd been taken."
Asked
about their emotions at that moment, Mrs McCann remained
silent but her husband said: "There was the darkest, deepest
despair and it was absolutely terrifying and when you go
back to it, it still is."
Finding
strength
After 48
hours of hunting for Madeleine, said Mrs McCann, the couple
were so exhausted that they were "almost non-functioning".
"But after that you get strength from somewhere. We've had
loads of support and that's given us strength."
Her
husband, a consultant cardiologist, said: "The worst feeling
was helplessness and being completely out of control of
anything in terms of getting Madeleine back. I think as we
started to take control of some issues, particularly
influencing the publicity side of it, that helped me
tremendously.
"Those
first few days were the darkest place and every parents'
worst nightmare. In the local community as well as family
and friends we've had tremendous messages of goodwill. That
first Sunday we went to church, every single person came up
to us and said, 'We'll get Madeleine back,' and hope and
strength and courage, and that certainly galvanised me and
I'm not the most religious person in the world but I got
tremendous strength out of that.
This
latest image of the ever-smiling Madeleine was taken by a
family friend
This
latest image of the ever-smiling Madeleine was taken by a
family friend
"Ultimately somebody will provide the key bit of
information. The only thing that will truly make us feel
good is Madeleine's return."
The guilt
The
couple both acknowledged that they had been hurt by
criticism of the arrangements they made for the children.
Mr McCann
said: "No one hurts you as much as the hurt that we had, but
we have tried to remain very positive in our outlook and
even small levels of criticism make that hard when you're
trying to do everything in your power to get your daughter
back.
"I think
it's fair to say the guilt we feel having not been there at
that moment will never leave us. We've tried to rationalise
things in our head but ultimately what's done is done. We
have tried to look forward.
"No one
will ever feel more guilty than us for the fact that we were
not with Madeleine at that time when she was abducted.
Whether we had been in the bedroom next door we would still
have felt as guilty I'm sure."
Asked if
they blamed themselves, his wife replied: "Certainly for the
first few days the guilt was very difficult. You torture
yourself with that.
"But
we've had so many letters of support and calls from people
saying we would have done exactly the same. As time goes on
we feel stronger and we felt very supported.
"I think
at worst we were naive. We are very responsible parents, we
love our children very much. We grieve, of course we grieve
- but ultimately we need to be in control so that we can
influence and help in any way possible."
Asked
about how their relationship had coped under the strain, Mr
McCann added: "I think it's fair to say that this is built
on a very strong relationship to start with.
Asked
when they might leave Portugal, Mrs McCann replied: "I can't
think about that. I can't think about going home without
Madeleine."
The twins
Madeleine's two-year- old brother and sister Sean and Amelie
are a source of great strength to the McCanns - and have
helped them retain some sense of normality.
Mr McCann
said: "They are growing in front of our eyes. Their speech -
Amelie's in particular - in the last few weeks has really
come on, and they are really turning from toddlers into a
little boy and a little girl. They give us tremendous
strength."
The twins
are too young to know what has happened to their big sister.
Mrs McCann said: "We have said she's gone on a little trip
just now and Amelie came out with one really cutting line
that went right to the core - she said, 'Madeleine's on
trip, back soon'. We certainly pray for that every day."
Her
husband added: "Without doubt they help us to continue. We
know that they are there and life continues but we need to
bring Madeleine back as much for them as for Madeleine as
for us.
"Many
people say to us that this is a parent's worst nightmare and
it is. It truly is, it's as bad as you could possibly
imagine.
"But if
all three of the children had been taken it could have been
even worse than your worst nightmare. We've got to be strong
for them. They're here and they do bring you back to earth."
Our
Madeleine
Mrs
McCann smiled when she was asked what her little girl is
like. "She got bags of character, that's for sure. She's
very loving, caring, she's very funny, very chatty, very
engaging, but she has her moments, like all children do. I
do think she's pretty special."
Painting
his own portrait of Madeleine, Mr McCann said she looked
like her mother.
He added:
"She's a real extrovert and for one so young she can express
herself so well. During the holiday she was the oldest of
the eight children here and she just loved every minute."
The
police
Madeleine
two-year-old brother and sister Sean and Amelie are a source
of great strength to the McCanns - and have helped them
retain some sense of normality.
Mr McCann
said it was no secret that the "information void" in the
first 48 hours of the investigation was the "hardest thing
for Kate and I to deal with". "The worst feeling was
helplessness and being completely out of control of anything
in terms of getting Madeleine back."
England
cricket captain Michael Vaughan sported a yellow ribbon as
the English cricket team showed its support for the McCanns
England
cricket captain Michael Vaughan sported a yellow ribbon as
the English cricket team showed its support for the McCanns
But he
said things had improved since then. "Certainly at the
minute we are happy about how information is relayed to us.
"I think
it's fair to say we expected a very British-style response.
"It's
fairly obvious that the system here and what we're used to
in the UK is very different. I don't think it's any secret
that in the early days the information void was the hardest
thing for Kate and I to deal with. Not knowing anything
takes you back to the darkest places that really you don't
want to go and ultimately doesn't help you."
The dream
"Kate and
I try to have an hour or two a day where we go away and talk
about what is happening, how we are feeling, the importance
of our strength and getting Madeleine back," Mr McCann said.
"Having time together to talk I think is key to that."
Mr McCann
said the couple were praying that no other parent had to
suffer what they had.
"We pray
that it doesn't happen again, but when it does, the speed of
the next response and the template that we've set will
ultimately help. There's been so much goodwill and humanity
out there. One evil act actually has resulted in so much
good."
He
explained how they had struggled "to put those dark hours
completely out of our minds. We channel any negative
emotions into the positive emotion of someone walking in the
door with her or having the telephone call to tell us that
they have found her and she is well."
Asked how
they picture that moment there was a long pause and Mrs
McCann remained silent.
Eventually her husband replied. "You just can't put into
words what that would mean to us."
Messages
for the McCanns can be sent to mccannfamily@markwarner.co.uk
The
official Find Madeleine website can be found at
www.findmadeleine.com
The
Crimestoppers number for those calling from Portugal is 0044
1883 731 336 or information can be passed direct to the
Portuguese police on 00 351 282 405 400.
The Child
Exploitation and Online Protection Centre and Virtual Global
Taskforce appeal is at www.ceop.gov.uk and
www.virtualglobaltaskforce.com. |
